


Mass Effect: An Angsty Christmas Carol

by ArcticLucie



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Earthborn (Mass Effect), Ghosts, Inspired by A Christmas Carol, M/M, So much angst, mShenko, paragade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-02 02:15:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2796008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticLucie/pseuds/ArcticLucie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A twist on the classic, A Christmas Carol. Shepard is trapped under the rubble after falling out of the Citadel. He struggles to find a reason to live. With a little help from old friends, the Ghosts of Past, Present, and Future, will he find it in himself to accept the choice he's made?</p><p>There is so much angst here. The first chapter is heavy and dark, but it lightens as it goes. And there will obviously be a happy ending...it's A Christmas Carol after all.</p><p>Chap 2: Ash as Ghost of Christmas Past.<br/>Chap 3: Mordin as Gost of Christmas Present.<br/>Chap 4: Legion as Ghost of Christmas Future.<br/>Chap 6: a reunion and a ring, if you wanna skip the angst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. At Death's Door

Shepard woke up with a pain in his chest. He could barely breath, and when he tried, it hurt like hell. A deep ache, a strange mixture between a knife wound and an acid burn. He would know, he was all too familiar with both. The burning, the stabbing, the sheer pain. It was too much.

_Breath. In. Breath. Out._

_Or don't?_

Or don't. A small voice, a drumming through his brain like a cadence, a mantra, a siren song tempting him to give in, to give up, to end this. To be still, to be silent, to be free of his reconstructed body for good.

That sounded particularly appetizing in his current state. He didn't think he was hallucinating, although it was hard to tell with the haziness in his head, the pounding between his eyes, the odd sense of euphoria that swirled around him when he held his breath slightly, the act momentarily ceasing the fire ravaging his body.

It felt good. It felt right. Don't fight it. Let it take you. Let it embrace you. Let if envelope your body with the promise to numb all your pain, all your suffering, all your anguish and bitter hatred. And....all your love?

How easy would it be to just let go? To let the pain of his broken body slip away into the darkness? The suffering he'd been through all his life, to let the weight that he'd been carrying since he stepped foot on Eden Prime to fade into....

A peace....

A peaceful....

A peaceful death?

He tried to move, tried to free himself from the huge hunk of rubble that was held on top of him by gravity.

Gravity: _the force that attracts a body toward the center of the earth, or toward any other physical body having mass._ More accurately to him, the thing that was crushing and burying him alive under a hunk of twisted metal and concrete. A chunk of the Citadel, if he had to guess.

He had to move. He needed to free himself, but it was too much. The debris was too heavy. He was too weak. His suit was concaving against him and digging into his body. The heavy weave that was supposed to protect him was slowly transforming into his tomb, wrapping around his body until it finally consumed him.

But wait....?!

He wasn't wearing armor. It had disintegrated before his eyes when Harbinger blasted him with its red heat. It was his own bones that were threatening to collapse inward on him, to cradle his organs before smashing them into mush.

"Well, now everything makes sense," he said. He thought he said. He felt his lips move but he didn't hear the words. No vibrations in his eardrums, only the movement of his chapped and splitting lips, painful even to the touch his own tongue when it licked them

Yes, it all made sense. He was dead. He died. He didn't make it to the beam, didn't make it onto the Citadel, didn't face off with that asshole. T-I-M. He never shot Anderson. _Relief._ He didn't get onto the platform. He didn't talk to the ignorant piece of photons that was the Catalyst.

He should have known. Surely, an all encompassing machine would have been able to solve the organics versus synthetics problem _IF_ that really was its goal. For fuck's sake, he did and he's a nobody.

He's just a former street thug gang banger turned First Human Spectre all because he knew how to use a gun. Big fucking deal. There had to have been others that were just as worthy, more so even, to fly the Normandy, to be the face of the galaxy, to make a decision so big it would reverberate till the end of time.

Right place, right time. Elysium. It wasn't even his ticket. It wasn't supposed to be _his_ vacation. His friend got sick. Fate intervened. Now, all these years later, it was catching up to him. Fate was a cruel mistress and she was set on rectifying her mistake. Making him pay for stealing someone else's destiny.

_OH GOD!! It fucking hurts!_

If he was dead, why did it still hurt?

Hell?

Shit.

Hell, he was in hell. He should have known that too. He should have known that his sins would have caught up to him eventually. God, he had so many, so many mistakes, so many faults to atone for. He was dead so he obviously didn't save the galaxy like he set out to do. That was supposed to be his penance. That was supposed to absolve him.

But it didn't.

And now, it was gone. It was too late. He was in hell. This was his torture chamber. Garrus was wrong. There was no bar, only pain. Only everlasting torment. Only Hell. Only his demons to wrestle with until the end of time, for an eternity.

Damn, that was a long time. That was going to be _a long time_. So long that he couldn't even comprehend it. Eternity. That was forever. There was no coming back, no escape. There was no end. It was infinite.

How long had he been here? How long had he been suffering? How long had he been trapped like an animal in a cage waiting for death? Hoping for death to relieve him of his painful burden. He was already dead; there would be no relief. Ever.

In eternity, time had no meaning. It could have been seconds, it could have been centuries since he woke up. Since he took the first breath that stung every inch of him. But it only felt like minutes.

That in and of itself was torture enough. Mental torture. The pain was fresh and raw. Even if it had been a millennia, it all felt too new, too novel. Almost too much for him to bare. It felt like he just woke up and took that first strained breath under the weight above him that was pinning him down to the scorched Earth.

He tried to look around. His head felt sluggish as if his brain was swimming around in there freely, sloshing around in aqueous fluid. It would hardly cooperate. Not that it mattered. Not anymore. From what he did see, there was nothing. He was in a barren waste land, alone with his pain and his suffering and his hell.

Fire and brimstone piled up everywhere. He couldn't make out the horizon, only the destruction around him. But it was peaceful, serene. The foggy haze of war painted like a priceless piece of art in a museum. The colors blending together into an exquisite work by the gods themselves. Red and grays. It was so beautiful that it didn't look real.

He didn't want it to be real, but he smelled it. He smelt the burning of bodies, the burning of buildings, the burning of souls. He couldn't see them, but he knew. War had an aroma that you could never forget. It seeping into his nose and took up residence in a deep part of his brain that refused to be cleansed. That would never be cleansed.

He couldn't see the bodies, but he knew....

_KAIDAN!?_

He didn't see him. There was not a glimpse of that dark obsidian hair, those honey eyes, the ever present stubble on that chin of his to been seen.

"Kaidan!" he yelled. Tried to yell? He felt his lips moving but he didn't hear the words. He didn't hear a reply. He didn't hear anything but the swirling of blood through his own ears, the crimson life fluid flowing and moving in his veins.

"Kaidan?" he yelled till his lungs burned like fire, like lava was oozing out of every orifice and drowning him, like napalm coated the tissues inside him waiting patiently for a match, like he swallowed sand.

Nothing.

He felt the tears running down to his temples, the stinging of salt in his eyes. There was a panic overtaking him, the primitive need to protect his mate, to make sure he was alive, to make sure he wasn't here with him in hell. He didn't want to see him, not here in hell. But he did.

Spirits, he did. So badly, he so uncontrollable did!

Darkness.

*****

He woke up to a heavy warmth on his cheek. He breathed deep. It hurt. He didn't have to turn his head to know that it was the sun beating down on him. The rays slipping slowly through the heavy air to reach him, to burn him, to punish him by waking him up so that he could feel the pain that his body was enduring.

It was morning. Or afternoon. Or evening. He didn't have the sense to care. He didn't have the strength to, either.

At first, he thought the heat was from the fires coming to claim him, the fires of hell. To mark his skin with their flames, to burn him so hot without burning him up. For all of eternity. He sighed in relief when he realized that it wasn't. Just the sun. The small round circle of light that gave life to the entire planet.

_The sun? Why is there a sun in hell?_

"I'm not dead." This time he heard the words.

He knew it was true. He was still alive. That's why he hurt so badly but wasn't sizzling, why his skin wasn't blackened and blistered.

He cried again. Out of sadness to still be suffering, but also out of a strange feeling of joy, of relief, to know that he was so close, to know he was on his way to death. He wasn't there yet, but he was close, and getting closer by the minute.

He wanted to be there already. He didn't want to hurt anymore. He didn't want to feel the sinking feeling in his chest that he was the sole survivor, that he was the last remnant of life in the galaxy. He didn't want that burden. There was only him in this place. No one else. He was alone. He was going to die alone.

The Reapers would find him soon. They would lay the claim to his body that the empty flames would not. They would end his suffering.

How did everything get so fucked up? Why was he wishing for the Reapers to save him? How could he think that, hope that, want that, after everything they've done, after everything he'd seen? After all the fighting he'd done against them? He was wanting them now, to find him, to end him.

_I just want everything to be over. I'm sorry, Kaidan...I'm so sorry. I failed you. I failed everyone. And I'm so tired. So fucking tired. I hope you're safe. In Heaven, in the afterlife where you belong. Away from all the pain I've caused you. You deserve so much more, so much better._

"Skipper," came a startlingly soft voice out of the silence.

He froze. That wasn't hard to do. He was trapped after all, pinned, in too much pain to move, to look around much.

"Hey, Skipper? Over here," the feminine melody rang out. The sweet sound almost made his ears bleed with its beauty.

He blinked and turned his head slightly in the direction that he thought he heard the voice coming from. But there was nothing there. There was nothing, no one, anywhere. The voice had come from everywhere at once.

"Shepard! Look at me!" the voice demanded.

It sounded so familiar, so safe, so heavenly.

Suddenly, out of the hazy red of war, he saw the outline of a body, a person, a woman. She sauntered closer as his eyes tried hard to focus on the image before him. He was close to death, circling the wagon, on it's doorstep. His brain was starting to spit out the chemicals associated with death that Mordin had told him about.

She was just a mirage. She couldn't be real.

But why a woman? He wanted to see Kaidan. Kaidan was the face that was supposed to usher him into death. The last thing he saw as he let go for good.

_Goddamn you brain! You couldn't even give me that? Fuck you!!_

The woman was wearing a bright pink dress, the fabric flowing in the dusty wind. He couldn't make out her features, but she looked fit, toned, the body of a soldier, he assumed. She walked closer and closer until she blocked out the midday sun on his face. Then, she leaned down and smiled, warm and kind.

That's when he saw her face. A face he never thought he would ever see again. Maybe hoped that he wouldn't. Like an angel in the red haze, she was beautiful. But his guilt. Oh god, his guilt. He sacrificed her for Kaidan, for his own selfish gain, for the heart that couldn't bare the thought of losing the only peace it had ever found in this life.

"ASH?!"

This was it! It was over! The pain was going to end. She was going to lead him to...to...

_But how?_

He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to be in that bar with Garrus. He didn't deserve to be happy, to be safe, to be with them, with Kaidan behind the pearly gates. He was beyond redemption. He lost Ash, Mordin, Legion. Pressly, the twenty souls on the SR-1 and countless others.

And again with the Catalyst, he forced a rash choice on the galaxy. Another selfish decision he made only for the possibility that he could be with Kaidan once more.

Control.

Synthesis.

Destroy.

_"I'll never doubt you again."_

_"I'm gonna fight light hell to hold you again."_

_"I'm sorry about Horizon, again."_

_I'm going to die, again._

He destroyed the Geth. He destroyed EDI, a friend. He shot Anderson...

Yet, here she was!

Here she was, to take him to Heaven. To lead the way.

"I love you, Kaidan. Always."


	2. Into the Past (Ash)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ghost of Christmas Past, Ashley, takes him to see his past. 
> 
> As promised, not quite as much angst. Enjoy!

"Hey, Skipper! Get your ass up! We have a lot to do. He'll be here soon and you don't have long to make your choice."

"What choice?"

"To forgive yourself, mostly. You're such a hardass! You're a stubborn man set in his ways. There was never any doubt about that. But if you want to get back to our LT, you'll have to come with me."

"But, Ash? Why are you doing this? I killed you...I chose to leave you behind...I don't want to make anymore choices! Haven't I done enough? Enough damage?"

"Get over yourself already! Geez! It's not all about you, you know. Just come with me and you'll understand," she said with a warm inviting smile.

"What are you doing here, Ash?"

"Take my hand and I'll show you," she smirked. 

"Ash...I'm trapped. I can't move."

"You're such a baby."

"Where are we going?"

"Dammit, Shepard! Enough with the twenty questions."

"Are you taking me to him? Are you taking me to Heaven? To see Kaidan?"

"I'm not an angel, Skipper. I'm a ghost. The Ghost of Christmas past to be exact."

"Chief, it's not Christmas!"

"It will be in a few more days, a week I think, maybe ten days. No matter! You guys have been so wrapped up in war that you've almost forgotten that it was coming. And we're close enough. Now, move your ass soldier. That's an order!"

"Dammit, Ash! I told you I can't. I'm buried under here!"

"Are you?" she said, quirking up an eyebrow. 

He eyed her for a moment before trying once again to break free from his heavy stone restraints. And once again, he failed horribly.

"I can't," he whimpered softly. "I...Ash I can't."

"Fine," she huffed. "Let me help you, but you have to lift, too. I'm just a weak damsel in distress here," she teased.

He tried again to break free. And with Ashley's help, this time it was so easy, so simple. So...confusing. He slid out with ease, the hunk of concrete slamming back down sending dust flying up every which way. He heard Ash cough, but his lungs were much too tired for that. 

"But how?" he managed to asked after catching his breath.

"We really don't have time for this," she said as she cocked out her hip and crossed her arms. She let out a sigh before reaching out her hand to help Shepard to his feet.

He turned around quickly expecting to see his body still lying there. He was going to Heaven, and he had to leave his body to do so. It should have been there, but it wasn't. And oddly, he felt no pain. His lungs were no longer burning, his ribs felt whole and unbroken, his dislocated shoulder wasn't even sore. 

He wasn't going to complain.

"Where are we going?" he asked again, just to be sure.

"Into the past."

"Ash!"

"Commander! Just trust me, okay? You owe me that much."

She was right. And he did, he did trust her. Always had.

He squeezed her hand for his answer and she started to lead him down the pile of rock that he was recently perched upon. There was a bright bluish white light in front of them and she pulled him towards it. He had to cover his eyes to keep from being blinded, but he didn't dare let go of her hand. 

"It won't hurt. I promise!" she said over her shoulder.

It didn't. 

It must have been some sort of portal, a worm hole maybe, because they emerged from the other side in a small room. His eyes had to adjust to the dim light before he was able to recognize it. But he did, and it pretty much knocked the wind out of him. 

He was in his childhood home. The one he lived in before being taken away to the orphanage. It was small but cozy. There was a scantily decorated Christmas tree in the corner, only three presents under the tree, old socks for stockings hung nearby, and a small plate of cookies next to a glass of something that was obviously synthetic milk. 

"Why are you showing me this? Can they see us?"

"No....Do you remember this Christmas?"

"Yes."

"The last Christmas you had with your parents?"

"Yes. I was...happy. For what was probably the last time."

Just then, a small child, dark hair and bright blue eyes, ran into the room. A man, his father, teetered in behind him tiredly. He grabbed the boy, hung him upside down, and tickled him until he could hardly breath. The boy's laugh echoed off the plain beige walls, and the man smiled proudly, as did Shepard.

_"That's enough,"_ called a calm voice as it entered the room.

"Mom," Shepard said sadly as he watched her move closer to the two boys to give them both a kiss on the cheek. He couldn't see their features, didn't remember what they looked like, only that he knew exactly who they were.

_"It's Christmas Eve! Time to open one present, son."_

_"But mom!! I can't wait till morning!"_ whined the boy.

_"Johnny, one tonight. The rest tomorrow,"_ she said firmly.

The boy huffed defiantly until a small present was placed in his hands. His eyes went wide as he looked up at his mother. She gave a small nod and he went to work ripping off the soft brown paper wrapping. Underneath, was a box that he tore into immediately. His eyes went even wider as he reached inside to pull out a small wooden spaceship. 

"My parents spent an entire month's worth of wages on that," Shepard said, holding back a few tears. He loved that ship. It was his most prized possession until some older kid stole it and broke it at the orphanage. He felt a soft comforting hand on his shoulder that he leaned into. "Why are you showing me this, Ash?"

"You needed to remember that you were loved once. You've nearly forgotten that you were worthy of something like that. Something so grand yet so simplistic."

"I don't want to remember! The only thing that comes out of this memory is pain! They....," he swallowed a lump in his throat.

"They died two months after this," Ashley continued for him.

He only nodded. 

"They loved you until the end. Wasn't that enough?"

"I want to go. Please take me back!" 

"I have more to show you. This isn't the end."

"ASH! Take me back!" he said. He gave one last look at his parents before turning away. They were sitting together on the couch, her legs strewn over his lap, one hand playing with the hair on the back of his neck, his hands lovingly massaging her thighs, both looking on contently at their happy son before them.

"They didn't abandon you. I know that's what you think, how you feel, but you're wrong. They loved you. They didn't want to leave."

"Ash, I'm not going to say it again," he growled. 

"Remember how you left Kaidan? How you felt? The guilt, the sorrow? That's how they felt. You know that right? That's how they feel about that little boy right there?" she said, pointing to his younger self.

"Ash, please," he pleaded. 

"He deserved their love. He was worthy of it. And so are you," she said softly. He looked at her, eyes red-rimmed and glossy. She sighed and added "You win...let's move out."

They walked into the light again. When they came out on the other side, they were in a pitch black room. His eyes adjusted once more until he saw another Christmas tree right in front of him. This one was big and elegantly decorated. But this time, he didn't recognize the place, didn't know that tree. 

"Where are we?" he whispered. 

"Christmas, 2169. You were fifteen."

"Ah shit."

Just then, they heard a rustling behind them. They spun to see a tall, lanky boy with the same bright blue eyes as before, long dark hair framing his face. He was holding a bag in one hand and a knife in the other. His clothes were raggedy and tattered. Behind him was another boy, a little bit older and shorter with a slightly huskier build.

_Finch._

The two boys slinked quietly to the tree and began to place all the presents into their bags. 

Shepard shook his head disapprovingly. _Dammit!_

"I ruined their Christmas. See, Ash! I told you I wasn't worthy. I'm not worthy of anything. The things I've done, the pain I've caused. He'll...he'll be better off without me...I, I've made my decision."

"Such a diva! We aren't done yet. You can't decide until the end, but this ride has just started."

_"Hey Shep, you take the living room. I'll go check out that office. This score outta feed us for a month!"_ Finch whispered excitedly. 

_"Shut the hell up, Finch,"_ the teenaged John whispered back as he rolled his eyes. He did what the older boy told him, and Shepard and Ashley followed him into the living room. The young boy looked around for anything valuable that he could take. 

Shepard remembered parts of that night. It was a long time ago, but he could not forget ruining some poor family's Christmas. He was so hungry, so cold. His clothes were literally falling apart at the seams. He desperately needed a new pair of shoes if he hoped to get through another Vancouver winter without pneumonia. And he could practically here his younger self's tummy rumbling from across the room. 

He scanned the room for his younger self only to stop dead in his tracks at a picture on one of the end tables. It was of a family of three: mom, dad, son. They were standing in... _No, that can't be right!_ They were standing in an orchard, trees full of ripe apples behind them. It looked like... _No! That can't be right!!_

"Ash, is this—"

"Yep."

"But I don't...how? Is my brain playing tricks on me?"

"I think that's what you would call kismet!"

"I robbed my boyfriend sixteen years ago?"

"You know that old model of the SSV Einstein you have in your cabin? Yeah, that was supposed to be his," she snickered. 

"SHIT! See, I told you already. I'm not good enough for him! Just...just let me die...please Ash, I can't take anymore of this. I want to go back."

"First of all, you didn't ruin their Christmas. Kaidan was happy about it actually. He was on an anti-commercialism, anti-conformist kick after BAaT. You just pissed off his parents which he found quite funny. Secondly, you and I have one more stop to make before I turn you over to your next guide."

"None of this makes any sense. Am I dead or am I dreaming?"

"Neither," she sighed. "Okay, look...the best way I can describe it is...well, you're having an out of body experience. I think that's the closest explanation I can give you. So, just sit back and learn something. It'll be over soon, I promise."

"Who's my next guide?"

"Another old friend," she smirked. 

"I could have controlled them, you know? I could have used them to rebuild, to pass on knowledge long since forgotten. Medicine, technology, science, and culture. I should have done that. I should have chosen that one. Kaidan doesn't deserve a coward like me. How many people could I have helped that way?"

"You are just a man. Do you think you should be playing god? I love you Shepard, but you'd be a terrible one. And besides, who's to say that that would have actually worked anyway? What if the power went to your head since your such a bad person and all?"

"Ash!"

"Hey, those are your feelings about yourself not mine. But do you really think that that would have been a good idea, though?"

"I don't know, but I should have thought about it more instead of blindly following my heart."

"Shepard! You idiot! That's how you got up there in the first place, your heart. You do have one, you know! A big one, for your crew, for Humanity, for life, for your friends. Do you really think that becoming something so powerful, the one thing you vowed to stop at all costs, that caused so much death and destruction would have absolved you and you're keenness on repentance?

"No....No, I guess not."

"Alright then, come on!"

She dragged him into the bright light once more. They stepped out onto Arcturus Station. The image was so vivid that he could smell it, the distinct aroma of metal and soldiers. Ashley had to pull him out of the way as a group full of men went rushing by. They all had Santa hats on with their BDU's, buzzed heads, and N7's on their shoulders. 

In the middle of the group, he saw himself. He was older than the last version of himself. It was after the Blitz. He had the scar on his forehead and he looked like a young eager soldier ready to take on the galaxy. 

_You have no idea what you're getting yourself into,_ he thought to himself. He wanted to run to him and shake him until he agreed not to accept Anderson's offer. _Don't go on the Normandy! It'll break you, wear you down, kill you, bring you back only to destroy you over and over again!! Kaidan....Kaidan'll be better off without you! Everyone will._

"An N7 Christmas party! Woohoo! Let's go, Skipper," Ash said, pulling him along behind the crowd. 

It was his first Christmas after his N7 graduation. The whole class, all eight that finished, threw a big celebration on the station and practically invited the whole Alliance military. They danced, they drank, they danced some more. Naturally, everyone made fun of him for his 'enthusiastic' dancing style. 

He was talking to a group of friends, one face stood out. _Joker._ He was smiling, something he didn't do often. But there it was, wide and carefree. No, not smiling, beaming with pride for his friend. 

_I'm sorry, Joker. I killed her. I killed the love of your life. It's my fault. It was my choice. How? How could I ever look you in the eye again? Shake your hand? I can't._

"I think someone's checking your younger self out, Skipper," Ash smirked as she bumped his arm with hers and pointed towards the bar.

Shepard looked. His breath caught in his throat. It was his Kaidan. A younger version, but he recognized him immediately. He looked over at his younger self and watched as he walked over to the bar. Kaidan turned around, most likely hoping he was invisible, if Shepard knew him. 

The young Shepard squeezed in beside him and waved down the bartender. He downed a shot and smiled at Kaidan. Then, he grabbed the biotic's hand and basically dragged him onto the dance floor without warning. It didn't look like they said much, if anything at all.

"Why don't I remember this?"

"You were pretty hammered, Commander."

"That's him though, right? We danced?" he asked, not willing to take his eyes off the pair. 

"I'd say," Ash snickered. "It's been awhile but I think that looks like a helluva lot more than dancing, Shepard!" she added when the two started kissing.

Shepard could tell the younger Kaidan was drunk, but he didn't pull away. They kissed for what seemed like hours, under the dark lights of the club, cocooned in the pounding beats of the music, oblivious to the world around them, arms mapping the other's body delicately. 

They both looked sad when a man behind the younger Shepard pulled them apart. He waved playfully before a few of his fellow N's picked him up and carried him out of the club. They dragged him away while he smiled goofily at Kaidan. Their eyes never left the other until they were out of each other's sights. 

"This is the second time your paths crossed before you officially met. I told you, kismet! Destiny! Fate!"

"I love him, Ash."

"I know....It's getting late. We should be heading back." 

Instantaneously, the crowded room around them vanished. They were transported back among the rubble. Shepard expected to be trapped under the concrete again, but he wasn't. He was laying flat on his back looking up at the hazy sky. He could faintly make out the pile of rock he had been buried under in the distance. 

He was so confused, but Ash brought him out of his impossible thoughts when she bent down to kiss his cheek. 

"I never blamed you. Never have, never will. You don't blame yourself either, okay? My fate was to die that day, and I fulfilled it. I'm okay now. You can forgive yourself now. Can you do that for me? Can you be happy? For me? If anyone deserves it, it's you, Commander."

"I can. I will, Ash. I promise!"

"Good! I'm so proud of you, Shepard. Now, I never had the chance to meet your other guides, but I know you loved them just as much as you loved me. Give them a chance! Then, you can make your choice. Okay?"

"Okay, okay Ash. I can do that. I miss you so much!" he said, tears once again falling down his cheeks.

"I know...Oh, one more thing, Skipper. I am expecting at least one Ash Shepard-Alenko. Understand?"

"Yeah, I understand," he laughed softly.

She gave him one last smile before disappearing into thin air. And with that, all his pain came flooding back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only four more chapters left. I'll upload one a day till it's finished.


	3. Ghost of Christmas Present (Mordin)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mordin shows John the present.

"Shepard?" said a voice that woke him. The sun was long gone, only darkness greeted him when his eyes shot open before slamming shut quickly. It was night. The sky was cloudy, he couldn't see any stars, although it was probably just the dust of war that had been kicked up into the air.

"Rapid eye movement has ceased, breathing is labored, eyes slowly gaining strength to stay open. Yes, yes. You're awake," said a pleasant voice beside him.

Shepard turned his head awkwardly to see his favorite Scientist Salarian moving to hunch over him, a cold yet comforting three digit hand on his shoulder, big black eyes blinking at him as he stared up into them, getting lost as the memories of him swirled violently around in his mind.

_Another dead comrade. I'm so sorry!!_

"Mordin?"

"Yes, Shepard. How can I help?"

"I'm dying. I need medi-gel, a hospital, medical treatment. You can help me right?"

"That is why I'm here. Ash is persistent. Like her a lot. Stubborn, but who do you know that isn't?"

Shepard wanted to laugh at that, but his lungs revolted and sent him into a coughing fit. It hurt. God, it hurt. Since Ash left yesterday, hours ago, weeks ago maybe, he's been in constant pain and suffering. His only reprieve coming when his body gave into the unconsciousness. But what else was new?

"Can you get me to a hospital?"

"No, Shepard. Not why I'm here. Must show you you're present. Ghost....of Christmas present. Christmas, Earth holiday celebrated on 25th day of the twelfth month of the Gregorian calendar. Involves presents, food, family...love. Mistletoe, trees, lights. So wasteful, you Humans."

"Mordin, please! I need help!" he pleaded.

"Yes, let's get you up. Much to show you. No time to waste. Just like old times," he smirked.

Most Humans probably couldn't read Salarian facial expressions. They were a very serious species and didn't smile ofter, but Shepard knew. He knew Mordin and his expressions, his likes, dislikes, his moods. He missed him.

"But you died curing the Genophage. I'm sorry, Mordin. It should have been me. I should have been the one to go up there, to sacrifice myself. It happened so fast, I couldn't stop you. I wanted to. I didn't want another name on my conscience, on the shrine on the Normandy."

"Nonsense. Had to be me. You knew. Already discussed it. Had to be me, not you. I did my job, you did yours. Very well, too. Let me show you now."

Shepard nodded as Mordin reached down to grab his hand in the same way that Ash had done. His pain was gone instantly upon taking Mordin's hand. He hopped up and let the Salarian guide him towards a bright green light. The color was a lot easier on his eyes than the blinding icy bluish white that he saw with Ash.

"Are you sure I'm not dead? Ash said I wasn't, but this doesn't feel like a dream."

"You are correct. Not a dream. Hmmm, how to explain. Oh yes, similar to out of body experience."

"That's what Ash said, but that doesn't make sense either. I'm so confused, Mordin. Please, just tell me what's going on. Am I going to die?"

"Death a possibility. You have sustained multiple life threatening injuries. Blood loss, trauma, unimaginable pain, fear, exposure to the elements, brain chemistry out of whack from fall, concussion probable, broken bones. Most importantly, broken will to live. Also most harmful. Bones can be fix, but not if you wish to die. No more Cerberus. We, your guides, are your only chance this time. Let us help."

"When do I get to make my choice?"

"Soon. Later. After....after your next and final guide."

"One more guide?"

"Yes, but we are not done yet. Haven't even started. Shall we?" he asked, gesturing toward the light.

Shepard nodded and took a deep breath. No pain.

They entered the light, hand in hand, and came out in some military tent. There were soldiers standing all around, others running from post to post. The power would flicker on and off while comm channels cut in and out. It was complete bedlam, chaos ruled supreme.

Coming in through the doors on the opposite side, he saw a familiar face. Steel blue eyes staring right through him, a deep scar on his cheek. The posture and carriage of an admiral was not easily mistaken.

_Hackett._

The admiral rushed by the pair. Shepard followed his every move with his eyes, almost afraid to blink. He chalked that up to habit, eyes glued to a superior officer.

"Time to follow," said Mordin softly.

"Where are they going?"

"Don't know."

They followed the group of marines, Hackett's advisors and body guards, back into an adjoining tent. He sat down behind a small rickety desk and sighed. He ran his hands through his gray hair before reaching for a glass of water that someone handed to him and downing it quickly.

 _"Any sign of Shepard?"_ was his first question. He said it like it was the only question.

_"We are scouting the wreckage that fell for his, uh, his b-body, sir. No sign of him. Word from the group on the Citadel said the same. Preliminary reports confirm that it was Admiral Anderson's body that was recovered last night, but still no sign of the Commander."_

Shepard wanted to yell that he was right there. He wanted to tell them where to find his body, where to look. He wanted to take them out there himself right away. He wanted to explain what happened to Anderson. He opened his mouth to do just that, but nothing came out.

"Can't hear you, Shepard. Can't see or feel you. We are apparitions, ghosts if you will."

"MORDIN!! You said I wasn't dead! You said I—"

"No, not yet, Shepard. To them, right now, you are something similar."

"So what am I supposed to be seeing? That people are searching from my body? Easy enough. What's next?"

"More complicated. Listen."

Shepard turned around with the rest of the marines when someone cleared their throat behind them. In the doorway stood both the Turian and Asari Councilors.

 _"Clear the room,"_ Hackett instructed. The rest of the marines filed out, one bringing in an extra chair for the Turian. When the door was closed, he let out a long sigh as he shook his head disappointingly.

 _"Still no sign of the Commander?"_ asked Councilor Tevos.

_"I'm afraid not."_

_"We owe it to him, to everyone, to find his body at the very least. He deserves a proper burial this time. He is the hope to my people, the only thing still driving them forward, giving them the will to forge ahead. We must find him,"_ said Councilor Sparatus.

 _"We are doing everything we can. We don't leave soldiers, any part of them, behind,"_ Hackett assured them.

"They left me behind once," Shepard said smugly.

All five of them turned around quickly when Wrex walked in with a loud rumbling growl. Shepard couldn't help but smile at his old friend's tactful entrance.

 _"Have you found him yet?"_ he bellowed, forgoing pleasantries.

_"No, Wrex. We are looking as fast as we can."_

_"We may have to accept the fact that there might not be a body to find,"_ Tevos interjected.

Wrex let out a surly hiss at her, but other than that he didn't justify her sentence with an answer.

 _"I'll get Aralakh Company on it. Grunt won't rest till his Papa is found,"_ the Krogan snickered.

 _"Wrex, we have all available man power looking for—"_ Hackett tried to say.

_"Sometimes you have to send a Krogan to find one. Grunt will find him and bring him back; they are father and son. He is my brother. The only one with enough quad willing to give the Krogan a second chance. We owe him our future, twice. And we will make sure he gets his too."_

_"It's been four days. I don't know much about Human biology, but how long can one man hold out before succumbing to his death?"_ asked Tevos.

 _"There is a superstition on Earth that cats, I'm sure you've seen some running around here, have nine lives. I've never been more inclined to think that someone was part cat until I met Shepard. And no doubt part Krogan. If anyone could survive out there, it's him,"_ added Hackett.

_"He's the strongest pyjak I've ever met. He'll hold on. We'll find him, reunite him with his mate, and then we'll discuss this business about a planet for my people."_

Without another word, Wrex turned around and left, almost gracefully so, as graceful as a Krogan could manage, leaving the others to furrow their brows in confusion.

 _"He has a mate?"_ ask the curious Asari.

Hackett raised his brow, deep in thought, then shrugged his shoulders.

"What the hell was that about, Mordin?" Shepard asked.

"They look for you. You're loved ones, and the leaders of the galaxy. Your job is not finished yet. You mean more to them, to my people, than you could ever know. The decision was yours to make. They trusted you to make it, and they will stand by it and by you," was his soft reply.

"Why are they looking for me? Wait, why are they still on Earth?"

"Relays damaged. Currently under repairs."

"How long will that take?"

"Ask next guide. They will know."

"Have it your way....okay, it's been four days. How come I'm not dead yet?"

"You heard the Krogan. You are stubborn. Cybernetics also a possibility. Just speculation, nothing concrete. Decision has not yet been made."

"I already made my decision. I want to live. I need to see Kaidan again."

"Not only decision you need to make."

"What else is there?"

"To forgive."

"To forgive who? My parents?"

"Yourself, Shepard."

"I still don't understand... And why are they wasting resources on me? Their priority should be to the relays."

"Why is that, Shepard?"

"There are people, other species possible dying out there right now! They need to get home. Home to their people, to their loved ones, so they can rebuild and search for their own heroes," Shepard insisted.

"Shepard, you are everyone's hero."

"Dammit, Mordin! I didn't do anything! All I did was walk toward a stupid fucking red light because I wanted to see Kaidan again. It wasn't rocket science. I didn't cure the Genophage, you did. I didn't really end the Quarian/Geth conflict, Legion and Tali did. I just stood by and watched, told Joker which direction to point the ship.

"Maybe I should have picked Synthesis. I didn't think about it much before. It sounded stupid. Was that the right choice? Did I make another mistake, rush to the red light too soon? That would have saved everyone, EDI, the Geth."

"Hmmm. Living tissue into mechanical parts, metals, alloys, circuits? Adipose, muscle, cells into cybernetic components? Instantaneously? Hard to comprehend, even for my advanced brain. Not surprised in your hesitation. Against everyone's will, no one's permission? Hmmm. Powerful action. Interesting. A god-like decision."

Shepard stared at him blankly for a moment. "I don't want to be a god. I just wanted to help people, atone for the shitty things that I've done, for killing the last Rachni queen, for sacrificing Ash. For robbing Kaidan's family and countless others on the streets. How many kids did I get hooked on red sand? How many of them did I destroy."

"Oh, Shepard...your guilt is deep seeded. Understandable but unnecessary. You saved enough souls four days ago to be cleansed of your past. You can be free of that if you choose," Mordin sighed at the pain he knew Shepard carried. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder for comfort as the green light appeared again. "This is your present. Let us continued. "

They walked into the light, the mellow green embracing him gently. On the other side, he was on the Normandy. More specifically, in his cabin. The normal blue from the fish tank was gone, replaced by harsh reds from the emergency backup systems.

The place was a mess. Clothes, datapads, his model ships strung around the room. It looked like a disaster area and his heart sank when he realized that they must have crashed. He raced out as fast as he could, the elevator door opened like it was waiting for him. The door closed and opened again immediately to the engineer deck.

He raced out with Kaidan's name on his lips, the name he'd scream until his voice gave out, but his words fell upon deaf ears. Adams walked right passed him, not a look, nothing to indicate that he heard him or even saw him.

It felt horrible to be a ghost, to scream and yell and try to be heard only to be ignored.

"I'm sorry, Mordin. I'm so sorry that you're a ghost now. I...if I could've changed it, I would have."

"No, Shepard. That was my choice to make and I made it. I was getting old. Not much time left. I went out on my own terms, my own way, doing the right thing. Worry not, do not feel guilt or sadness. Feel...happy for me. Dying doing the right thing, getting it right."

Shepard nodded, trying to understand how Mordin could be so understanding when he himself had spent so many nights alone in his cabin crying and begging for the ghosts to give him forgiveness.

And now here they were, forgiving his sins, Ash and now Mordin. Sure, it was most likely a dream, a fucked up hallucination, but it felt nice. It felt good to hear those words. He needed that. He wanted that. Since Ash, since Mordin, since everything. And now all he needed was—

"Kaidan!"

Shepard saw him in the engine room and rushed to him, dropping to his knees beside him. He tried, but he couldn't touch him. Kaidan was crouched down elbows deep into the guts of a panel he was working on. His face hardened and bruised, scrapes and cuts dissecting his skin, mouth clamped shut into a thin line of intense concentration and wrath.

 _"Kaidan,"_ came a quiet voice behind them. _"Kaidan, you need to take a break. You've been work—"_

_"I'll take a break when we're back in the air, when I'm home, finally in his arms again where I belong. Are the comms back up yet?"_

_"Traynor said another day or two. If you won't take a break, at least stop and talk to me for a minute or two. I'm, we are worried about you,"_ Liara replied.

_"Liara, you know I can't stop. We have to get off this godforsaken planet. We need to get back to Earth. It's been four days. Joker said it'd take at least two more to get back home if, IF, we leaved today."_

_"You know, she won't be ready for at least a week."_

_"SHUT!! UP!!"_ Kaidan yelled. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. _"Sorry, I, I'm just a little on edge right now. Vega needs to get the coffee maker up and running before I go on a rampage."_

_"Did you sleep last night?"_

Kaidan just let out a noncommittal huff.

_"You need to rest. You're no good to us if you work yourself to death."_

_"Liara, I love you, but right now the only thing I need to do is to get back to Earth, find John, and punch him in the fucking face! If he has left me again, I will go all the way to hell to bring him back so I can kill him myself!"_

Shepard smiled proudly at that. "I love you too, K."

Liara looked on sadly, but she understood. It was either pour himself into his work like he did after Shepard's death, or lose it, his sanity, his mind, his will to live.

"A shame we never met. He clearly loves you," Mordin said.

"Yeah, I know. I think I'm ready to make my choice now. Forgiveness, right? That's it? I have to forgive myself like everyone else does?"

"Yes, but not without acceptance, the will to live."

"I do want to live. I want to get back to Kaidan. I want to live for him."

"You have to live for yourself. Acceptance. Last guide will help with that. Should be getting back."

He took one last long gaze upon Kaidan's face. All he wanted to do was put a smile on those sad lips, but he had to get back first, back to the pain. He could do it; he could take it, the suffering, for Kaidan. Grunt was coming for him. Wrex was right, he had to hold on.

The green light disappeared as they stepped back onto the battlefield. Dawn was approaching, the ugly dark gray haze shifting into soft pinks and oranges as the sun began its ascent into the sky. Mordin helped him back down, both hands wrapped around Shepard's on his stomach.

"You were a good friend to me. Salarians not known for their friendships. You are an anomaly. It was...a pleasure serving you. Hope I helped with your decision. Make the sacrifices worth it."

"I...Mordin?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Thank you...for everything."

"Always happy to help my friend. Wouldn't mind a Mordin Shepard-Alenko," he smirked.

"I'll see what I can do, but I image they'd have to share that name with a helluva lot of Krogan babies."

"Ah, my legacy."

"And it's a damn good one," Shepard said as he closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haven't written Mordin much. Hope I got him right,


	4. Ghost of Christmas Future (Legion)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ghost of Christmas Future. Mucho angst, then future fluff.
> 
> *Warning* brief mentions of suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the likes and bookmarks and comments!! It means a lot!

Shepard woke up with the noon sun beating down on the back of his neck. He tried to move, but it was a struggle.

_How did I get on my stomach?_

He tried to turn over, but his arms weren't strong enough. He couldn't push the weight of himself up. He had to move. He needed to be found. He lifted his head, nothing but miles and miles of debris, twisted metal, huge swatches of concrete, glass shards. Pain.

He felt like he was in the middle of an impact crater. Everything was flattened around him. It seemed to fit because his body felt like it may have been hit with a meteor. Who was he to argue?

How did he survive?

A strong wind blew sideways across his body. It stirred up dust that sandblasted his face, the tiny grains wedging themselves into every cut on his body, burrowing down into his blood vessels to be carried and deposited in his lungs. God, it hurt. The burning, the scratching, the wheezing.

Maybe he couldn't hold out. Ash? Mordin? They were dead. He was delirious. He should have asked that Mordin hallucination about the brain chemistry thing again. Was anyone really looking for him? Was Kaidan?

The pain was a good sign. It meant he was still alive, that his body hadn't given up just yet. But he hadn't seen anyone in how long? This...this was day five, right? He was hungry. His pain had made him forget, but now he was starving and thirsty. So thirsty!

He didn't have his armor. Extra pockets stuffed with energy bars and emergency water supplies. Environmental controls, stims and medi-gel stashes. Protection from the elements, from the sand and dust, and who knew what sort of chemical exposures floating around him.

How come he hadn't seen anyone yet?

How come no one had found him?

Are they really looking?

He was there, waiting!

"I'm right here! Grunt! Please!"

The day turned into night, but his strength was continuously depleting. He tried to move again, to crawl along the ground, to slither like a serpent searching for signs of life. The sun rose steadily. The sun set once more. The darkness brought a cold breeze that gifted his body an uncontrollably shiver as it wafted into the broken fabric of his fatigues.

The sun rose.

The sun set.

The sun...fuck the sun! It was taunting him now.

"Shepard-Commander."

His eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

_Legion._

He felt strong yet gentle hands wrap around his chest to pull him to his feet. His pain was gone the instant the cold metal of Legion's hand touched his skin. He spun around.

"Do Geth hug? I don't care, I'm gonna do it anyway!" Shepard nearly squealed with glee as he wrapped his arms around the hard body of Legion. "I missed you, buddy!"

"This unit's, Legion's, soul has felt longing for you in return. I will be your last guide."

"You're going to be showing me my future, right? The Ghost of Christmas Future and whatnot. What would have happened if I picked each option, Control, Synthesis, Destroy. What would happen to Kaidan. Then, you'll tell me to choose again, right?"

"That is incorrect. Let us walk while I explain."

Shepard furrowed his brow, but nodded.

"What would have happened if you had picked Control?"

"I would have brought peace to the galaxy, ushered in a knew golden age with the lost knowledge of previous cycles. Repaired the relays, got people home. Left Kaidan to be an empty shell of himself."

"That is also incorrect. He would eventually kill himself when the pain, the grief, and the hatred he has for you leaving him again consumed him. Your lives, your fates are tied together. Without the other half of his soul, he will be lost. Not empty, but irrevocably broken, ruined."

Shepard nearly had a panic attack when he finally processed the words. He shook his head violently. "I don't want that!! No! I don't want him to hate me, to kill himself!"

"It is alright, Shepard-Commander. He is safe at the moment. As for the rest of the galaxy, you would have brought peace, but not everlastingly so. Organics would have eventually grown to resent being ruled by machines."

"I wouldn't have ruled them, I would have fixed the galaxy before initiating self-destruct to all of the Reapers."

"Even a heart such as yours, your body and soul no longer bound by a physical self, would have eventually given in to the need to subjugate them. Your goal, your drive to correct, to 'fix' mistakes, your own and others, would have never been completed. The galaxy is imperfect. Your futile quest to fix that would have transformed you into a tyrant, a stubborn one at that, bending the galaxy to your will, to how an all-encompassing yet imperfect mind would want it to be.

"You are imperfect, but you're not flawed. You are exactly who you needed to be, what the galaxy needed you to be. But eventually, the war would start once more and organics would have never stood a chance against your Reapers this time. There would be no you to stop you."

"Okay, I understand, but what about with Synthesis?"

"Changing beings at the molecular level would have also altered their whole essence, everything that made them unique. DNA, the Human Genome that makes every one of you an individual, would have been destroyed, altered. As would everything that made the Geth different from organics.

Life would be...boring.

"No diversity or individualism, the very thing that the Geth craved would have been taken away without anyone's consent. That would have been tragic. At an apex, the only way to go is down. Life without purpose, without the ability to evolve would be stagnant, would die out slowly and painfully until the next unaffected organisms evolved from the primordial ooze to start anew, eventually leading to the very same conflict. Back to square one.

"Kaidan would not have committed suicide, but this time he would have been transformed into a hollowed out husk of his former self, stuck in an endless loop of old memories. An altered man from Synthesis, in a body no longer his own, and also from being left behind again. Wanting to die but being unable to do so in his hybrid state. It would be torture."

"So, I picked the right one? Then, what are you even here for? No offense, it's good seeing you, but I'm confused. I thought it was acceptance."

"Yes. Here is our portal," Legion said as a red light appeared before them.

They stepped through and into a small living room. It was decorated for Christmas, but there was something heavy in the air, something that made Shepard uncomfortable. Through the door came a physical body not unlike the one he currently had alongside Kaidan, but there was something wrong. Their body language put him on edge.

"What is this?"

"Christmas, two years from now. This is not acceptance. You are the one who becomes the hollowed out shell. You lived for him, and only for him. Your life doesn't matter to this version of yourself. You are both bitter and angry at the other and at yourselves."

"What are we fighting about? Why can't I hear them?"

"This is a Shepard-Commander who couldn't accept his mistakes, couldn't move passed them to embrace his fate. One that can not accept who he is, cannot accept love from others because he doesn't accept himself as the person everyone knows him to be, that Kaidan knows him to be, needs him to be."

"What happens to us?"

"Anger and resentment grow between you. Kaidan watches you torture and punish yourself for things long since forgotten by others, and it's painful for him. You both drink yourselves into early graves. You both are too stubborn to leave the other, unable to do so with souls so intertwined, no matter how badly you may want to. You are only shadows of your former selves."

"I can change it. I've seen what happens to him now. I'll leave him in peace. I'll just let go right now, stop breathing, stop fighting."

"Leave him by dying? One look at your body and he will kill himself on the spot."

Panic over took him again. "NO! Then...then, I'll just break up with him later."

The light appeared and they stepped through. They stepped out into a funeral.

"No! No, please! I don't want to see this!"

"It is not what you think. This is not his."

"Geez, Legion! You scared the shit out of me!"

"This is the funeral of the family he kills."

Shepard went pale at that. He had no words. Absolutely no words.

"You leave him. You think you do it for his own good, that you are helping, but that is an incorrect assumption. One night, he will drink too much trying to forget the pain and loneliness, trying to forget you and the connection you share, and this family will pay the price with their lives. Then, his guilt will make him pay for the rest of his."

"No, I'll make sure he's okay, that he finds someone worthy of him."

"There is....only you."

Shepard was torn between happiness and sorrow. Happy because Kaidan needed him, loved him. Sad because Shepard thought he deserved to have someone so much better than himself.

"I'm no good for him."

"Didn't Ash show you? You are linked, your souls seek out the other regardless of what you want. That is why he is pushing himself and everyone else so hard to get back to you as you saw with Mordin. It is why you must do the same. You were not whole until you found him. And neither was he. You cannot fight it. This truth is the one you need to accept."

"Legion, I—"

"We have one more. Christmas, five years from now," he said as the red light appeared.

Shepard sighed in defeat but followed. This time they were transported into a beautiful living room. Floor to ceiling windows gave an unobstructed view of an ocean. It smelled like cinnamon and...something else that he couldn't identify but warmed him. A huge tree was the main focus, frosted white and decked out with red, green, and blue ornaments, presents stacked a mile high underneath.

Shepard was about to speak, to ask where the were when the front door opened. He heard voices and footsteps getting louder and louder until he saw the offenders. An older him and Kaidan, both with a kid on their shoulders, one wrapped around his leg, and another straggling behind.

 _"Time for everyone to open their one present for the night,"_ said the older version of himself. His hair was a little longer, Kaidan's a little grayer.

He handed out the appropriate gift to the right child before they tore into them eagerly. Their parents looked on proudly and happily. The older Shepard joined Kaidan at his side. He brought a box to him, kissed him, and said, _"Merry Christmas, Love."_

Kaidan looked at him skeptically before opening it. He laughed that smooth laugh of his and pulled out an SSV Einstein model kit. _"What is this for, John? We have one already."_

 _"This one's for you. Something I owed you,"_ he said with a nervous chuckle. _"You should have gotten one as a kid. Eighteen, I think."_

_"H-how? How did you know...?"_

The older Shepard looked away from him out of guilt and shame.

 _"My father bought one that year but it was stolen when my family got robbed on Christmas Eve...It was you? You robbed us?"_ he said with a laughed that confused both Shepards. This time it was loud and full of mirth.

_"I...I'm sorry?"_

_"And you've been brooding ever since, haven't you? You are so hard on yourself, Sweetheart. You could have stolen the clothes off my back and I would have still fallen for you. Look at this! Our future sitting right in front of us. Don't dwell in the past when we have so much to look forward to. So much to be thankful for, to be happy about. You had it rough for a long time, I know, but that's over now. I'm here now. Time to accept it and move on. Heaven forbid, John Shepard is happy,"_ he teased.

The older Shepard wrapped his arms around Kaidan and pulled him close, foreheads gentle resting on the others. They stood there for a moment holding the other until a tug on Kaidan's pant leg forced him to pull away.

_"What is it, Little Legion?"_

_"Daddy, Papa needs his present!"_ said a little boy with bright blue eyes full of excitement.

Kaidan nodded and went towards the tree. He reached back underneath and pulled out a small box wrapped in brown paper. He brought it back over to where the older Shepard was who opened it carefully. When he pulled off the lid, he started to cry.

 _"Do you like it?"_ Kaidan whispered, forehead pressed onto Shepard's temple.

The older Shepard reached in the box and pulled out a small wooden spaceship, exactly like the one he received all those years ago. _"No, Kaidan...I love it! I love you!_

_"I do too, since the second I saw you. I mean, I was surprised that we started making out in the middle of the dance floor, but when they dragged you away...I thought I'd never see you again. Guess fate had other plans."_

_"You remember that?"_

_"I was a little drunk, and I wasn't sure until you kissed me again on the Normandy, but yeah! What kind of husband would I be if I didn't remember my first kiss with the man of my dreams? A dead one,"_ he chuckled.

The older Shepard rolled his eyes playful and pulled him in for a sweet kiss. _"What would I do without you?"_

 _"You'll never find out,"_ was Kaidan's reply. His husky bedroom voice sending both Shepards mad with want.

"This can be my future?" Shepard asked Legion.

"Yes, Shepard-Commander. If it is what you want."

"Yes! I want this one!"

"This is your acceptance. It will be a difficult undertaking to get to that point, but he will be there to help you accept yourself the way he wholeheartedly does. You must never forget where you came from, but you can no longer let it hold you back. You may be a galactic hero, but you are also just a man."

"I understand now."

"You were a good friend to me, John. I hope that I have returned the favor."

Out of the corner of his eye, Shepard saw something shiny. A Geth came in from the kitchen carrying a tray of cookies and real milk. The kids ran to him but he refused to lower his arms to their level until the older Shepard gave him a nod of approval.

"Legion, how do they have a Geth?" 

"You will take Spike in like you did Grunt. As your son."

"Ha! No, I mean that I thought all the Geth died."

"That is incorrect. Where did you get this data?"

"The Catalyst."

"A very cunning machine."

"It lied to me?"

"Out of the desire for self preservation."

"EDI?"

"She is fine."

"Oh, thank the Spirits! What about the relays?"

"They will be fixed before this time next year."

"Okay, so you guys helped my acknowledge that I am loved even for my mistakes, that I need to forgive myself for the things that I have done like everyone else does, and that I need to accept myself and the choice that I made up there?"

"It is more complicated than that, but this is correct. Was our mission a success?"

"I'll say! You could have just shown me this Christmas and saved a lot of time."

"No, we could not. You can only accept after you acknowledge and forgive. It was the only way. We, our journey together, with Mordin and Ash, has given you the strength you needed to move, to keep moving, to dig yourself out of the rubble so that you may live. The galaxy is not done with you yet, Shepard-Commander."

"Okay. So does this mean that I am going to be found? Rescued? I really want to get back to Kaidan now."

"He is on his way. You need to keep moving. Remember, no matter how much it hurts, you can not stop."

"I'll remember. Thank you Legion, for being my friend, for helping me with everything. And I miss you, all of you."

"It has been my honor. Now, we must part once again."

With that, the room faded away in a flash of red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh! I hope what Legion said wasn't too rambly and made a little bit of sense. At first, the only plot was that three ghosts visited Shepard, but then I tried to add the whole self-discovery thing as the story went. Don't know if I was successful...
> 
> Two more chapters!


	5. The Rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grunt comes to the rescue. And my first attempt at alternating pov's.

Grunt was getting tired. He'd been searching for his Human equivalent to a surrogate/adopted father for three days straight. No rest, little food, not nearly enough for a Krogan his size, and aching bones from the constant moving and shifting through rubble.

He knew Shepard would hold on for as long as he could, but the disparaging remarks from everyone else were starting to wear on him.

_"No man could have survived that fall," said a marine behind him._

_"So, if we find him, he's not Human? It's Shepard! He'll find a way," replied his friend._

_"No man, not with that fall."_

_"He's strong. He took down all the Reapers and a thresher maw pretty much single handedly."_

_"Strong has nothing to do with it! There is only so long that a Human body can survive without food or water. That's just basic biology."_

Grunt turned to give both of the chatty marines a wicked snarl that nearly turned them both white with fright. He turned back around to smile at the fear that he instilled in them, but it was meaningless.

_What if..._

NO! He couldn't think like that. Shepard was a Krogan through and through. He'd hold out. He was doing his part. He didn't have redundancy systems like Krogan, was a lot smaller and softer, but he was tough. Now Grunt had to do his part and find him.

"Move out," he grumbled to the combined Krogan, Human, and Turian troops he was put in charge of for the rescue and recovery mission. It was just called a recovery mission but he added the rescue part.

He was still young. He didn't have the amount of experience that Wrex had, even with all his imprinting, he was just a young pup. But the Urdnot Clan leader entrusted him with his most important mission to date. He had to find Shepard, and he was _not_ going to fail either one of them. He was not going to rest until Shepard was found.

Maybe it was a little weird to call or consider Shepard his father, but he didn't really have anyone else to fill the roll. Didn't really want anyone else too either. Wrex was a brother. Okeer was just his creator, there was no bond there. But with Shepard, he wanted there to be one. And not just because he freed him from his tank or that they were both the epitome of their species. Shepard was just...Shepard.

"Grunt," said one of the Turians.

He snarled again, but turned around to face him.

"We need to go back. They can't push on like you can. We'll take them back and get new troops. Then, we'll come back with rested men. They will be more efficient; they'll work harder and faster. Then, we'll find him."

Grunt thought for a moment. He didn't want to leave Shepard out there alone for a second longer than he had to, but the Turian had a point. Seven months, even seven days, earlier he wouldn't have taken Turian advice for anything—except maybe from uncle Garrus—but he was right. He had a valid point.

It was going to take them at least two hours to get back to the main base to rotate out the troops. Two hours to get back. That was unacceptable. He let out a hefty sigh. _Where are you Shepard?_

"You may be right, Turian."

"I'll round them up for the trek back."

Ten minutes later, Grunt was marching back towards civilization with a mismatched group of soldiers who days earlier were fighting for their lives. Miles and miles of London stretched out before him, most still under rubble and debris. Most flattened and crushed under the iron fist of war.

"We're going through the flats," Grunt instructed.

"NO! It's not stable. That area is still off limits," huffed the Turian.

"We are going through the flats or we aren't going at all. It'll cut out an hour off our time, time that is better spent looking for Commander Shepard!" he protested.

"You're taking your life into your own hands out there. I'm not ordering my troops to follow that command. It's insane! The ground is unstable. The debris is too thick. There is no way he's in there. And if he was...he's de—"

"Aralahk Company! Through the flats!" Grunt ordered before the Turian could finish.

He knew how dangerous it was. Unsettled debris could swallow you up without warning if you took the wrong step. There were pockets of radioactive elements that could lead to exposure if you got too close. Reaper corpses were mixed in with allies and debris sprinkled all over the flattened field. It was now a graveyard, and most were still weary that the Reapers might turn back on somehow.

Grunt knew that it was a good possibility that Shepard was trapped—or worse—in there somewhere. No one would say so, but he knew that others thought that as well. He'd been waiting patiently, biding his time, for an excuse to cross into the quarantined area. At this point, it was close to his last hope at them finding the Commander. Dead or alive.

The group split into two. Krogans going one way, the Humans and Turians going another. Grunt sighed, attempting to prepare himself for the worst, and led his team up the mound of debris and onto the flats.

*********

Shepard shook his head trying to save off the buzzing and dizzying pain behind his eyes. Legion had just left him. He was back on the battlefield alone once more. But something was different now. He was on his feet this time, standing.

A few days ago, he was buried under rubble that, in his current state, he couldn't have lifted himself. When Mordin showed up, he was a little further from the place he had been buried than he was when Ash had left him. When Legion showed up, he was flat on his stomach far away from the rubble that was to be his tomb.

And now...now he was on his feet.

Broken bones aching within him, his ribs starting to dig into his lungs, his shoulder so out of place that he knew it would never heal right. A swollen ankle that'll probably be his downfall. It was most likely broken. There was a huge potential for blood clots to hammer the nails shut in his coffin if they broke free to run rampant through his veins.

He wanted to sit down, wanted to fall down.

But Legion's words echoed in his ears.

_"You need to keep moving. Remember, no matter how much it hurts, you can not stop."_

And oh god, how it hurt.

_...keep moving..._

So he did. One foot in front of the other. One swollen foot followed by one normal—yet equally achy—foot. How he wished he had a cane, a shoulder to lean on, a railing of some sort to support some of his weight. The dead weight that was dragging him down, threatening to give him up to gravity. Or down to it.

But this was his fight. His alone. There would be no help.

He couldn't give up now. He had to get to a hospital, had to be ready for Kaidan when he made it back from wherever he was. He wished that he was okay, that what Mordin had showed him was reality and not a hopeful vivid dying brain giving him false hope.

_If I'm alive and you are not, I'm gonna fucking kill you, Alenko!_ That was the first and last time Kaidan dying crossed his mind. He thought that he'd be able to feel it if he had died, and since he hadn't, didn't sense it, then Kaidan had most certainly made it.

So he could do this. Survive, keep moving. He would do it. For the future he won for himself and the galaxy. He won't waste it. He told them that he wouldn't, Ash, Mordin, Legion, and he meant it

Just one more inch, one more step, one more stride, one more footfall, one more forward motion, he keep repeating to himself. _Just one more. One more!_

*********

Grunt was beyond tired. It was still dark out but the sun was starting to stir, teasing them with the first promises of light pouring down from the sky. His team was drudging along, following their leader, searching for their hope.

They came over a ridge to the flats. They had to climb a small mountain of debris and rubble to get to the part of London that was totally flattened by the war. After climbing back down the other side, they would have a four mile walk to the edge, and two more miles after that to go to the combined Alliance/Council compound.

Grunt's team could make it over the flats. Then, he'd get a new set of soldiers to help him with his search. Grab a bite before heading back out. Checking in with Wrex before doing so. Maybe sit for a minute or too?

No!

News reached them last night that the Normandy was up and running. She'd be here the day after tomorrow, or now just tomorrow, bringing his family and friends, more help with his burden to find their friend, their father, their brother, _their_ hope.

Suddenly, the wind shifted and he smelt something...

Something...familiar?

Something unique. Something comforting. The scent of Human blood on the wind, a metallic smell he knew all too well. It had to be, just had to be. There was no one else who smelled like that. No one with that scent, that fragrance, that musk. It had to be him.

It had to be Shepard!

He followed his nose. His Company followed close behind but remained silent while he puttered around, up and down twisted, bent metal that was crunching beneath heavy armored boots, his senses searching for another whiff of promise, that familiar Earthy scent that felt like home to more people than just him and Kaidan.

It was getting stronger.

Twenty meters to the south from where they reached the top of the mountain of debris, he found the blood stained slab that had once trapped his Human father. But there was no sign of Shepard. He scanned the horizon, no sign of him in any direction.

"Shepard!" he yelled with all his might.

A single trail of Human footprints led down the hill and onto the flats. Grunt's mind began racing. It was dangerous out there. Dangerous for a Krogan and much too dangerous for a squishy Human. He had to find him, had to get to him NOW, before something worse happened to him.

He followed the trail, followed the scent, followed his instincts when they both dried up. Grunt could tell that Shepard's walk was labored, he was hurt, his broken body stumbling and falling leaving smudges of dried red blood, sweat, and ash on the ground in sporadic intervals.

Grunt was running now, following the breadcrumbs. The sound of the heavy footfalls of his comrades ringing in his ears from behind. He heard one go down, but he couldn't stop. He had to keep going, he had to find him.

In the distance.

A dot, a figure, more debris, a person...

_Shepard?_

"Shepard!"

*********

Shepard's ears twitched.

_Did someone just...no._

There it was again.

"Shepard!"

Yes, it was his name. Someone was saying his name, yelling his name. It was low and rumbling, the sound waves tickling his ears, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. But it was faint, quiet. From behind him.

He spun around, struggling to will his consciousness not to give out on him when he did. His legs were starting to shake, knees going weak, as he tore his concentration away from his footsteps. A figure in the distance was getting bigger. It was heading right for him. The faint outline of a...

"Grunt?"

_No....No, no, no! He can't be...Mordin said only one more...only one more ghost, only Legion. Not, oh god, not Grunt!_ Tears began to fall at the thought of Grunt now being a ghost. He was so young, a baby, an infant. His responsibility. And now....he was....

"SHEPARD!" yelled the Krogan, still a ways away from him.

Shepard fell to his knees. This was it. He was done. He had stopped. Legion told him not to, but he did. He wouldn't be able to stand up again. How had he stood in the first place?

It didn't matter. He was down now. It was...over. He was falling, on his face, on his hands, the pain of the impact reverberating up into his bad shoulder, burning and stabbing every inch of his body. His vision blurred. He couldn't see.

Darkness.

*********

Grunt watched him go down. He was helpless to stop it because he was still too far away. He tried to move faster but he was already at full-speed. All he could do was watch. Shaky, tired legs giving out, his elbows giving out, his eyes shutting tight and giving out, his cheek hitting the concrete as his consciousness gave out.

"I'm coming Shepard!"

The whole Earth shook when Grunt hit the ground beside him. He rolled Shepard over on his back, blue eyes trying but failing to stay open. They'd only flicker briefly before closing once more. He looked down at him, at the Savior of the Galaxy. He wanted to scoop him up, run with him to the hospital, to the base, to the nearest doctor, but he couldn't.

They were holding him back, pulling him away.

He was fighting so hard to break free, to get back to his Papa's side. To hold him, to carry him, to protect him, to deliver him to Wrex, to Hackett. No, just to Kaidan.

"Grunt!!" said a voice. And then a head butt came from the side hitting some sense into him. "He's hurt. He's soft. You have to be careful!"

He looked up in shock. A Krogan? Talking like that? But it wasn't a Krogan, it was the Turian. He followed them, the Humans and Turians all followed them onto the flats.

Grunt looked over at Shepard. He was still breathing. He looked beside him to the Humans around him. They were building something, rolling him onto their makeshift stretcher, lifting him up, carrying him now.

They were all running again, every last one. Fast! For two miles they ran, Grunt right behind him, keeping one eye on him and the other in front ready to leap out ahead and stomp anything that got in their way into the dust.

Then, in the distance, he spotted a group of Salarians and Asari. He ran out ahead preparing to steam roll them out of Shepard's way, but they were only there to help. They were doctors; medi-gel, omni-tools, stims out at the ready.

Someone had ran ahead of them taking news that they found Shepard as they begged for doctors to follow. They did before calling for an evac. Word continued on to Hackett, throughout the whole Alliance, over the whole planet and into the galaxy. Like a wildfire, the news spread that their Savior was alive before Shepard even made it off the battlefield.

*********

The pounding of feet over uneven terrain jostled him from sleep. He tried to move, tried to look around, but he couldn't. It was almost impossible to keep his eyes open, light alternating with dark. He was strapped down, Human's, Turians, and Krogan carrying him forward into the rising sun.

"Grunt!" he tried to yell, but hardly anything came out. His throat was dry, his voice hoarse from yelling Kaidan's name. "Grunt!" he tried again. No response.

Then, the running slowed. It came to a stop. He was gently lowered back down to the ground as unfamiliar faces towered over him. Injections, the feel of medi-gel cooling his wounds, repairing his body, stims pumping him full of adrenaline and epinephrine to keep his heart going, to keep his pain at bay.

"Grunt," he whispered.

"Shepard!" came a booming voice.

He stretched out his hand, they had loosened the restraints. It was cold and covered in dried blood, dirt, and tears, but Grunt took it anyway. Shepard's five fingers squeezing the Krogan's three. Their eyes locked onto one another.

"Am...*cough*...am I, uh, are you a...ghost?"

"Heh, heh. Not yet."

"I'm alive?"

"Yeah, Shepard. We're alive."

"Alenko?" he whispered. Somehow he had the sense not to use Kaidan's first name in front of a crowd of strangers.

"The Normandy is on her way home. Everyone's fine."

"EDI?"

"I said on their way."

"The Geth?"

"How can I assist you, Shepard-Commander?" came a mechanical voice to his left.

Shepard started to sob at that. His friends, his family, his Kaidan, they all survived. EDI, the Geth. Everyone was fine. They were coming home. His body still hurt, but that was fading. The drugs were doing their magic and he was going to make it. They were all going to make it.

A medical transport arrived to take him to the hospital. They tried to keep Grunt off the shuttle, but a few looks from Aralahk Company and they swiftly changed their minds. He was loaded up and taken to the make shift hospital on the base. Hackett was waiting at the door when they arrived, Tevos and Sparatus flanking him. Hackett gave him a salute when he passed, all marines in sight following his lead, and like a wave, it continued all the way into the operating room.

He had no more strength left to cry, his body too dehydrated to produce tears, muscles too weak to even squeeze Grunt's hand, to return their touching salutes. The stims and fluids and med-gel could only do so much.

He was immediately rushed into surgery, Miranda by his side to help where she could. Grunt and Wrex paced the floor. Hackett went back to his office to start working on a statement. And for the first time in four years, Shepard slept like a log, not even so much as a nightmare. Although, he had the anesthesia to thank for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tune in tomorrow for the happy, fluffy conclusion!


	6. A Reunion and a Ring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Normandy returns. 
> 
> Awe, last chapter. :-( Hope you like it!

Kaidan was running. So fast, he was running. As fast as his tired legs could take him, and it hurt but he kept going. On broken legs, not broke only injured, he was running. Grunt had found him, they had found him.

_Alive._

He hadn't had a good rest in over a week. He'd fall asleep everywhere around the ship, at the mess table, halfway into a console, in the shower which was the most embarrassing. But it would only last a few minutes before he was up and running again. Helping with whatever repairs he could, ordering people off their asses to get shit done. It was his ship at the moment, his orders riding everyone ragged, but they understood. They knew they had to get back, had to get _him_ back.

Liara, Traynor, and EDI tried several times to get him to go to bed, but he couldn't. He could not go back up to their cabin, and he could not bring himself to sleep anywhere else. So, he worked and he worked until he wore himself out.

The comms were the last thing to come back up. The Normandy had just achieved lifted off when they came crackling back to life. But that was two days ago. And it brought no comfort, no news, no message of Shepard's safety, of his survival.

Soon, they were passing Neptune, a tiny blue-green planet, that no one bothered to look at. They were all too busy semi-celebrating. Hackett had just announced that Grunt had found him, and everyone broke down. Happy tears. EDI would have shed one if she could have.

But that was a few hours ago.

Now....he was running.

He bolted out of the Normandy's doors when they opened. There were skycars waiting, and Garrus, Kaidan, and Dr. Chakwas got the first one. All three yelled for the driver to go before the doors were even shut. He obliged.

Before the car stopped, Kaidan was bolting out the door again. Garrus was hot on his heels, but they left the Doc in the dust. She told them to go ahead, and they did. The young marine escorting them could hardly keep up. He barked directions to them from their six as he fell farther and farther behind them down the maze-like corridors.

Shepard was in the only private room in the hospital, a luxury he would have insisted on giving up if he had been conscious. It was a nearly bombed out building with missing walls on the top floors, broken windows boarded up, but the generators were working and clean water was flowing. That was all that mattered for the time being.

Kaidan could only see blurs of shapes through his teary eyes, the beeping of machines filling his ears, the smell of antiseptic making him nauseous. He stumbled through Shepard's door. Hackett and Wrex both jumping up from their chairs by his side ready to take down any intruders.

Wrex laughed, soft and low, and Kaidan knew he was in the right room.

He somehow, _somehow,_ managed to make it to the bed, his legs too wobbly to keep him upright any longer, before collapsing in the chair—the one Wrex had vacated—by his Commander's side. He took a limp hand in his, fearful not to touch him anywhere else that might aggravate his injuries. He kissed John's hand with his dry, cracked lips careful not to disturb any wires or tubes.

When a gentle Turian hand landed easy on his back, he lost any last remnant of control over his emotions. Joy mixed with sorrow mixed with fear mixed with relief mixed with a million other feelings and swirled around his head before gushed out of him uncontrollably, an odd combination of sobs and laughs, tears and smiles.

"His mate?" Hackett whispered to Wrex upon seeing the reaction that the Major, the Second Human Spectre, had.

Wrex grunted an approving sound. Not that the question needed an answer; it was obvious.

"Well I'll be damned...I trust you have the situation under control, Wrex. If you'll excuse me, I have some full-disclosure forms to pre-date," winked the Admiral before sneaking out the door. He met Dr. Chakwas in the hall and introduced her to Shepard's doctors before continuing on his way.

The Normandy crew cycled through the room a few at a time before getting checkups and medical clearances themselves. The doctors explained that Shepard would be unconscious for a few days. He was heavily sedated in order to give his body time to heal. He was critical but stable, and was expected to make a full recover.

No one dared to pull Kaidan away, but that didn't stop them from worrying about him. They took turns watching over him, making sure he ate, bringing him coffee and clean clothes. The hospital had no extra beds to spare, so Grunt stole a bench out of a nearby building for him to sleep on.

It was better than nothing. Plus, the sight of the Krogan walking calmly down the hall carrying a huge bench that he had ripped out of the ground somewhere while everyone gawked was strangely moving. He was starting to think that the joke about Grunt being Shepard's son that floated around wasn't a joke after all. John had warned him about picking up some baggage during their time apart.

The bench wasn't that bad after Traynor brought in a few blankets, pillows, and other comforts from their cabin. Especially Shepard's hoodie which Kaidan curled up in because it was cold in there and most definitely _not_ because he couldn't sleep without Shepard's scent enveloping him.

He wanted nothing more than to crawl in bed next to John, but the wires and things were too intimidating for him. He was terrified he'd dislodge something. And after everything he'd been through, the Savior of the Galaxy could _not_ be done in by his lover accidentally pulling the plug on him.

Kaidan was oddly comforted by the sounds of those monitors. They reminded him that Shepard's heart was still beating. Occasionally, they would start going crazy, blinking and beeping wildly, but the doctors and nurses would rush in and assure him that everything was fine. It seemed to happen every other time he dozed off like Shepard was playing a joke on him.

If that didn't wake him, the sound of Shepard gasping for air would. He tried to calm him down, but he wasn't sure John could even hear him in his unconscious state. He did it anyway, talking soothingly to him, more to comfort himself than anything else. After a minute or two, Shepard would settle down. Sometimes, his eyes would open wide randomly then slam shut, giving Kaidan false hope that he was waking up.

So went the next four days. To Kaidan, it seemed longer than the time the Normandy was away from Earth, but he was mostly able to keep it together thanks to their friends. They'd play cards, tell him about what was happening outside, about their temporary assignments with the cleanup effort.

But most of Kaidan's time was spent talking nonsense to Shepard's unconscious body. At first, it was awkward, but the doctors said it might help. He was all for helping John anyway he could. So, he talked. About everything and nothing.

"Wake up so I can tell you not to ever scare me like this again, John! I don't know how you did this for me after Mars, but I'm thinking it's time for us to retire. We'll get a house on English Bay, or wherever you want, find some kids to adopt, maybe...maybe get married? We haven't talked about that before, but since you haven't told me to get the hell out, I'll take it as you approving of the discussion.

"Pros and cons. Let's start with pros, shall we? I love you. I think you love me. I'm gonna, hmmm, I'm gonna count that as two....."

*********

Shepard was dreaming. This wasn't an out of body experience. There were no ghosts. There was only a voice that was smooth like honey pooling in his ears and flowing directly into his heart...and other places.

Was he dreaming?

He was in that funny state in between dreams and reality where the two sometimes merge. It still hurt to breath but not as much. He was aware of the beeping of the monitors and the sound of Kaidan talking about something he wasn't quite conscious enough to comprehend. However, the tone was there, warm and loving, cooing sweet nothings that were only meant for him.

Spirits, he loved that man.

He tried to open his eyes, but they wouldn't budge. He wanted to look into those whiskey eyes, but for now, Kaidan's voice was enough. He was in pain, but he was going to live, forever with this man if he got his way. He was—dare he say it?—happy.

_"Can you be happy? For me? If anyone deserves it, it's you, Commander."_

_"Make the sacrifices worth it."_

_"The galaxy is not done with you yet, Shepard-Commander."_

His eye lids were still heavy, they refused to open, refused to budge, but there was something warm in his hand, hot against his palm, worn and calloused, a finger dancing across his wrist giving him goosebumps. He heard the beeps from one of the monitors speed up, not much, but just enough for him to catch it.

Suddenly, the beeps faded away and all he could hear were Kaidan's words.

"...I want kids. I don't know if you do John, but I'm counting that as another pro until you correct me. Hmmm, so let's recap our pros for getting married: I love you. You love me. We practically live together anyway. You need someone to keep you grounded, and uh, to keep your ego in check. I need someone who pushes me out of my comfort zone.

"Then there's, you know, that primitive thing in the back of my mind somewhere that makes me want to claim you. Weird huh? So glad you're asleep right now 'cause that was kind creepy. Anyway, I...well, I just love you. I'll go ahead and count that as more than one. Okay, cons...hmmm, cons..."

There was a long pause as Kaidan got lost in thought.

"I can't think of any either," John whispered, his throat still too sore to speak any louder.

Maybe he was hearing things? Wishful thinking? Kaidan's eyes were still focused on studying Shepard's fingers because he didn't want to be disappointed yet again when he wasn't awake. He sighed and forced his eyes to travel slowly upward over John's body. He almost didn't want to look but decided to chance it anyway.

He was greatly rewarded for his bravery. The most beautiful blue eyes in the world were staring back at him, a big crooked, almost smug, smile plastered on John's face. Shepard gave his hand a good squeeze and flashed what Kaidan interpreted as a wink at him sending chills cascading down his spine.

"Did I read into that or was it a proposal, Kaid?"

"That depends? Am I reading into _that_ or was it a yes?"

"No, it's a _fuck_ yes!" John strained himself trying to speak loud enough for the other man to hear him, and it sent him into a coughing fit. To be honest, he was trying to shout it to the world, but he wasn't going to tell Kaidan that.

Kaidan's eyes went wide as he jumped up almost in panic. He reached for the water he had been drinking on the table and held the straw up to John's mouth. He went for the call button to summon the nurse but John swatted his hand away.

"Not yet," Shepard mouthed between sips, shaking his head as best as he could. Innocent puppy dog eyes were involved otherwise Kaidan would have ignored him.

"Five more minutes, then I'm calling the nurses and telling them to stick you with something for scaring me so badly, _Commander!_ "

John cleared his throat. "Rather...have you stick me with something, Major," he whispered with a cheeky grin.

"You're insatiable!" he said, shaking his head, a sly smile on his lips. "I suppose that means you're feeling better?"

John nodded, "You make me better." That, he said with all the sincerity in the galaxy and meant it in more ways than Kaidan would ever know. But he knew a few of them.

"They got you on the good drugs, huh?"

Kaidan leaned down and kissed him sensually on the lips. Shepard wanted to pull him closer, in deeper, but his bad shoulder was protesting and Kaidan held the other tightly out of the way having anticipated his move.

"I guess that means I hid your ring well enough," John whispered when Kaidan broke away.

"You did not buy me a ring!" A credulous grin slinked across his face.

"It's tradition when claiming someone," he teased.

"Dammit," Kaidan said as a blush overtook him. He had a feeling he was never going to live that one down. "Seriously, though? A ring?"

"Ask Traynor, she'll show you where it is."

"You sneaky bastard!"

"I was going to give it to you when you came up for a 'quick drink' but you kinda got me drunk."

"I distinctly remember that it was the other way around, John."

"The fact that you _can_ remember proves my point," he smirked.

"Just as well. A Christmas proposal is much more romantic," Kaidan shrugged.

"It's..." Shepard tried to continue but that was the moment his voice decided to give out on him.

"Yep, Christmas day officially started two hours ago, and you're the best present I could've ever asked for," Kaidan said, voice cracking halfway through. That was the moment his resolve decided to give out on him. And for the first time in his life, he cried tears of happiness.

John raised his hand to cup Kaidan's cheek, thumb wiping away tears, who's was firmly gripping his wrist. He smiled warm and sweet, blue eyes twinkling under bright lights. He had to blink away a few tears of his own because he just wasn't strong enough to cry yet.

"I love you, Kaidan. Always," he mouthed. He didn't hear his words but Kaidan understood.

"I love you too, John. So damn much!"

John closed his eyes tight and winced when a random pain shot through his body. He cursed it for ruining the moment and gave the older man an annoyed smile. Kaidan leaned down and kissed the corner of his mouth, smiling onto his lips.

"Okay, I'm getting your doctor now," said the Major as he pulled away.

Shepard rolled his eyes but couldn't help the smile that spread across his face for his beautiful brown eyed biotic. And he certainly couldn't help but stare as that ass sauntered out of the room.

He still wasn't sure whether Ash, Mordin, and Legion were hallucinations or dreams or their actual spirits visiting him—he may never know—but he didn't care because he was going to keep his promises to them. He was going to forgive himself and accept the decision he made because watching that man, _his_ fiancé, walk back towards him was all the reassurance he needed to know that he made the right choice.

And he wasn't about to wait five years to give him that model ship he owed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!


End file.
